Friday, November 19, 2010

I Can't Reach In There

It's a very hard lesson for a mommy to learn that I can't fix the owies and I can't stop things from hurting John. This morning early I was going through morning prayer with him and as I stood here doing my best to speak the words without too many tears I found myself choking on trust...

The First Commandment: You shall have no other gods.
What does this mean? We should fear, love and trust in God above all things. took me a bit and a few gulps of air to squeak out the word trust. Tonight as I crossed another huge hurtle for me, leaving the hospital to go to dinner with a kind and generous couple who want to bestow on us a nearly unfathomable gift, I found that I was again choking on that word 'trust'. Walking out of the building felt like being squeezed or choked or ripped away and for a moment I was wondering if I could actually walk out the door, but I did, ok Mark was holding my hand and walking and having to pull just a bit. By the time we were pulling out of the parking garage I had quit crying and was actually talking, and thinking about how even if I had stayed right in John's room I could not reach inside his little body and repair the things that need to repair, I must trust this to God.

John's day has actually been rather uneventful. The surgeon did tell us that the liver biopsy showed 50% necrosis but that it was not unrecoverable. He later returned to check on John and while here answered my question about what happens to the dead cells, he says that they will collapse upon themselves and be eaten by macrophages and that the liver cells that were near these will then divide one time because the liver knows what mass it needs. This will just take time and patience and all we can do is sit and watch and wait, well they can do meds and such and watch labs and stuff, but really we are all just waiting to see what God is going to do in there where we can't reach.

John's little body is actually quite huge as it is bloated with fluids, dialysis will probably help that but it is going to be a slow process during which he is going to lay here resting and healing and we will be here waiting and being amazed by God's blessings and mercy. His room is becoming more peaceful, in part because the critical acute issues are past, at least for right now and hopefully period, but more so I believe because we are not waiting as ones with no hope, or as ones whose only hope are the doctors, nurses and medications, all of which are miracles in themselves, but because I am learning that it is not my trust in God that makes Him trustworthy, but that He is trustworthy and therefore I can trust, and I can be mom and knit a few socks and even leave the room and go get some real sleep because God who is faithful is knitting all the while and when I awake God will still be with me and with John.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake and I am still with you. Psalm 139:13-18

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