Monday, March 15, 2010

Hope Lives While the Heart Beats

If you've talked to us this weekend and thought we were just a bit out of it, or haven't heard from us and wondered what was going on it's been a scary weekend for us.

It started out awesome, John's procedure to remove the stent from his kidney and bladder went amazingly well, so much so that he was filling better almost immediately. It helped that they used a new kind of anesthesia and while he slept a bit longer than normal post-surgery, he woke up in a good mood and ready for a drink, some clothes and to get in his chair.

Scary started while John was gone to surgery when I started to spot a bit. I called my doctor and really there is nothing that can be done at this time, it's just wait and see. So we spent the weekend doing just that. I continued to spot and cramp through the weekend and wavered back and forth between hoping that we would get to see this baby come to term and be born healthy and fear that the baby had already been taken to live with Christ and that we would mourn yet another baby.

This morning we went to see my doctor. Ultrasound showed that the baby's heart is still beating. The doctor told us that he doesn't give up hope on any baby so long as it's heart is beating, yet he is concerned with the spotting and that the ultrasound doesn't show that the baby grew between last week and this. He did explain that the lack of growth could plausibly be explained by the margin of error in an ultrasound, we are talking about a baby that is at most 1cm long. I asked about hormone levels and he told us that in the end while the ultrasound may have errors in it he finds it to be far more reliable than serial hormone levels.

So we are home, I am to be taking it easy and so will accomplish lots of knitting and reading books and such to a wonderful little boy. I am scheduled for another appointment with ultrasound next Tuesday, unless the cramping and spotting worsen before then. We are still wavering between fear and hope, but in the end we know that whatever the outcome that God is merciful and our dear child is in His gracious hands. We have watched John grow to be a beautiful 6 years old when there was no hope given that he would ever see his 1st birthday, this is certainly the hand of God at work, but while my mommy heart wants to covet the same blessing for the child within my womb I know that God's gracious hand is at work either to bring this child safely into our arms or take our baby home into His. In either case I stand with Job, and with my friend who has said all this more eloquently than I (link here)

The Lord giveth,
The Lord taketh away,
Blessed be the Lord.


Ewe said...

I know too well that feeling of not really knowing what was going to happen when I was spotting. Don't give up hope yet, my mil spotted a lot with ds1 who was born healthy and I had spotting with ds2 that was born healthy. I would recommend reading the Psalms to your baby while you are in this wait and see time. I took great comfort in knowing that my babies (both miscarried ones and our sons) had heard the Word while they were in the womb. Your family is in our prayers daily.

Barb the Evil Genius said...

It's awful facing a scary situation and not knowing what will happen. Prayers for you.

Gina said...

Thanks for your prayers, and Rachel thank you so much, your card was here waiting for me yesterday, you are so sweet and have the best timing!

I hadn't thought about reading to the baby, I will do that, it will help, as it is we pray the Creed, Lord's Prayer and Luther's Evening prayer with and for the baby and many others each night with John and I am in church at every possible chance.

I woke up this morning with really low blood sugar and it keeps crashing, at this point that is my best indication that the baby is still alive. Spotting has slowed and changed to brown. All good signs.

Jen Jacklin said...

Praying with you! I had a lot of bleeding at 12 weeks with my youngest, and was so surprised to see the heart beating the next day. We truly rode the emotional rollercoaster that night. I'm glad to hear the signs have been more encouraging today. John looks so grown up standing up! I love his haircut, too :)