Sunday, August 29, 2010

Lord Have Mercy

Christ Have Mercy, Lord Have Mercy

Today we found out that I'm pregnant, about 5 weeks along. This is the 3rd time in under 2 years. For 13 years Mark and I thought we couldn't get pregnant. So the first one was a shock. Not as big a shock as the miscarriage that came just days after finding out we were pregnant in the first place. We named the baby Katherine, she was due around the 4th of July, this year would have been her 1st birthday.

Lord Have Mercy, Christ Have Mercy, Lord Have Mercy

The second one also came as a shock. The doctor that I saw with Katherine basically told me that I'd never get pregnant again. Wrong. Within a few weeks of learning that we were pregnant, we learned that we had yet another miscarriage. We named the baby Patrick, as we found out he was gone on St. Patrick's day. His due date is coming up, September 28th. His ultrasound picture is still in my purse, I just can't quite put it in the box with the baptismal gown yet, I can get close, but then I end up tucking it back in the journal in my purse again.

Lord Have Mercy, Christ Have Mercy, Lord Have Mercy

This time the baby's due date is sometime right after our 16th anniversary. I wonder, I worry, I pray. Will a few weeks find me still wondering or praying, or knowing that yet again I will not know my child on earth. I know that in this life there is suffering because we live in this sin-filled broken world, that this is not some punishment that God is afflicting on me for my past and/or present sins. I know that Christ died for me and for my children, my unborn child, my miscarried children that I will not hold until heaven and my precious John who even in all the physical ailments that he suffers with brings joy to me and to those around him. I go to bed this night with but one prayer on my mind, one prayer for John and his current health issues, one prayer for Mark who is the most amazing dad I know and for whom I hate to watch him mourn yet another child, for my baby and for myself, and for all the ones we love and who have touched our lives over the years.

Lord Have Mercy, Christ Have Mercy, Lord Have Mercy

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