Hospital Again

John is at the hospital this morning, Mark is with him and I am at home getting some rest and some things done. Leaving for the ER late Wednesday night we realized we are out of practice at this. In the time that I grabbed just a few things and was in the truck I could easily have packed for a week, paid a bill, changed out the laundry and done a few more odd things back when we used to have to do this regularly. Mixed feelings, both glad that we have been able to 'stand down' and not be on alert status is such a good thing, a blessing we could have never dreamed of and yet it would have been nice to be able to instantly go back to that just in the realm of how much stuff wasn't with us, but I guess we can't have both.

We had some time on the way in when we were both kinda beating ourselves up because we didn't see the signs earlier or take them more seriously. John just has a UTI - urinary tract infection - and according to one of the nurses it is fairly common after battling big viruses (he just finished that) this year. But still he was clingy and tired and wanted to just lay on the couch and watch tv and that is not normal John, yet when we got ready to put him to bed we checked and he was running a 101 temp and coupled with the back pain it was time to take him in. So far this summer he has had an ear infection, probably his 2nd ever and the first one we didn't even know about until it was over cause it wasn't very bad, and this virus that he just came through where he ran 104 degree fever for a while and yet was negative for strep and flu and needed to just go home and wait it out. These are just normal childhood illnesses and especially for a child who is immune suppressed, yet even typing the words 'normal childhood illness' is odd and strange, John has had a few of those over the years but they were always in conjunction with things like major surgeries or central line infections.

So Wednesday night when we told him he was going to the Tiger Hospital he was excited and ready to go, many times on the way in he told us about doctors at the Tiger hospital were going to make the hurt go away and his friend nurse would be there. Yet, when it came time in the ER for dad to leave and him to get ready to go upstairs he stopped engaging with the ER nurse he had been so friendly with, he just sat there and held my hand, biting the inside of his lip, waiting, just waiting. I told him he would get to ride up on the bed and that made him smile for a half second and he was back to waiting and thinking. At times like this it just breaks my heart that he can't get out what is bothering him. Upstairs he was a little better, he cried a little with the IV but as soon as I told him they were done and just taping he was was telling me about the red blood and that it was over. He actually enjoyed the chest X-ray and yet when it came time to settle down and sleep he was exhausted from his illness and still anxious and so I pulled the chair close to his bed and we slept there right next to each other, occasionally in the night he would roll over and pat me to wake me up for a drink or to just hold his hand for a minute.

It helped so much that his 'friend nurse' was there in the morning. He didn't 'talk' to her much when she first came in, but as soon as she walked out the door he looked at me with his gigantic grin and told me it was his friend nurse, and then started talking about getting games and movies and doing the hospital things that he has always enjoyed. I am amazed at this little boy who I have the privilege to love and hold and be his mom. Whenever I read or hear the Words about faith like a little child I see John's face and am reminded of a few lines from "Why I Am a Lutheran' by Daniel Preus about trust only being able to be created by the one who is trusted because they are trustworthy and that we trust God because He is trustworthy. God, Himself, is trustworthy in caring for my precious John, for me, Mark and all things and I continue to pray that God will give me the strength to be a trustworthy mommy for John and forgiveness when I fail.